My first great expectation about being a mom was shattered before my daughter had even been born. From there it has been a journey discovering what kind of mom I am and how different that may be than what I'd imagined during pregnancy.
Labor. Throughout my pregnancy I had preached about how I wanted to do an all natural birth and how my high pain tolerance would carry me through. Oh how I was wrong! By the time my husband and I arrived at the hospital at 2 o'clock in the morning, I had been having contractions for 7 hours and they were now only mere minutes apart. Making the long walk through the maze that is the empty hospital at that time of night, I started confessing (and cursing!) to my husband that I think I want an epidural. He told me whatever I want to do. Smart choice on his behalf for I was in no mood to hear about what I'd been preaching. I hated admitting out loud what I'd been thinking to myself the entire long car ride up to the hospital, but I knew I had to face the music at some point because there was no way I was passing up the chance to get rid of the pain!
Sleep. Obviously, I already knew I wasn't going to be getting much sleep after the baby was born. What I didn't know was that I was going to have her sleep in bed with my husband and I, right smack dab in the middle. We had bought a co-sleeper bassinet that attaches to our bed while I was pregnant. I swore that she would be sleeping in her co-sleeper because I would be too afraid of rolling over on her in my sleep and suffocating her. I hadn't realized how incredibly strong my mother's instinct would be. I am so in tune with her that my body is aware of her even while I sleep. This, of course, is what my mother had tried to explain to me while I was pregnant. My daughter is now a few days shy of 8 months old and still spends most of the night in bed with us :) (we've just started working on this the last few days, but that's for another post.)
People. I had laughed at the idea that I might be anything other than joyous to see other people holding my baby. Turns out, I had a bad case of mama claws. My claws would come out when people other than immediate family wanted to hold her. Even then, they needed to tread softly for I was the flooded-with-hormones momma and didn't want anyone stepping on my territory. It took a few months for this to subside. I got better with time, but still showed my claws when people would do things typically deemed things done by the mom (ie: holding baby on hip while multitasking, soothing baby, rushing to baby when she wakes). I knew I was being irrational, but I couldn't change how I felt. Sometimes, though, there are just things that I as the mom want to do myself.
In the end, I have to be ready to accept changes as they come. There are some things that cannot be helped and just are what they are. At those times I need to create a new path with what the circumstances have given me to work with. I am an overprotective mom that likes things done in a specific way (ie: MY way), but have also learned that I cannot control everything....though I still might try.
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